The Angry Birds movie trailer: the hottest film of 2012 is coming

Angry Birds is the red-hot iPhone app of the moment. It’s literally a one-in-a-million sensation. Your friends can’t stop playing it. The world’s edgiest comedians can’t stop referencing it – and now it’s heading to the big screen! What sort of blockbus… oh, hang on, my fault, sorry. I thought it was 2012. Let me start again.

Angry Birds is that iPhone game that people used to play a lot three years ago but don’t any more. And now it’s going to be a film. And there’s a trailer for it. There, that’s better. Still, while we’re here, let’s give the Angry Birds trailer a closer look.

We open with a shot of the character we’re most likely to remember from the last time we played Angry Birds several years ago – Nameless Red Bird. Here’s Nameless Red Bird eating a sandwich. So far, this is a film about a cartoon bird eating a sandwich.

Also present, three sexy birds. At least I assume they’re supposed to be sexy. God, I hope they are, otherwise I’ve just projecting a horrific amount of sexual availability onto three relatively gender-free cartoon birds. Not this week, Heritage. Don’t do this while nebulous almost-bestiality is such a hot-button issue. Get it together.

Oh, phew, they were supposed to be sexy after all. And they were aiming all their red-hot sexuality at that hunky sort-of blueish bird. I hope the red bird’s OK, and didn’t mistakenly think the other birds were actually coming on to him.

Ah. He did. And by the look of it he hasn’t taken the rejection well. In fact, I suppose you could say that he’s now a fairly angry bird. See what I did there? That was clever of me wasn’t it?

So angry is Nameless Red Bird, in fact, that he appears to have enrolled in some sort of anger management programme, along with an annoying yellow bird played by the annoying man who played the annoying snowman in Frozen. Typecasting issues aside, though, this literally seems like it’s going to be a film about some angry birds. That’s literally what this film is.

But it’s OK, because here’s a pig, which you might remember is the mortal enemy of the Angry Birds. Pretty soon these pigs will be constructing dangerously ramshackle homes for themselves, and the birds will kamikaze into them as revenge. If my memory is correct, the birds all die as soon as they’ve been catapulted at the pigs, which makes me think that the Angry Birds movie will actually turn up to be a sorrowful meditation on the futility of war.